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Tuesday, April 10, 2007
well i am now in a very peaceful frame of mind....neither happy nor sad...juz peaceful...like the breeze after the storm...i had hit rock bottom just 2 days ago and i am glad that afrend reached out and pulled me up....it was unbeleveable...i was in a state of utter despair tat is undescribablewell it is veri simple really for example...imagine u r walking down this very sceneic road wif all these ppl and you are having such a good time you dont see this huge gapping hole rite infront of u n u fall in u r fallin n falling n falling now mean time all these ppl ur wif hv 3 chioces either they leave you and walk on, stand there a wait and shout out encouragements for you 2 climb up or help u get out....well some of them leave u there 2 fall deeper n deeper...it wldnt matter if u didnt really like them or consider them ur friends but wat if u did then hw wld u feel if they let u ther 2 fall deeper n deeper....anyhow...i was miserable i was just so freakin upset i cldnt see anything else excpt my pain...i began 2 miss my family...my best buddies in s;pore who juz get me n neva seem 2 leave me no matter wat shit i get myself in....esp. a certain sum1 whose b'dae i didnt forget...yes shaz i remebered...a bit late i noe...but hey HAPPY B"DAE!!!....sori i'm nt ther 2 celebrate it...but will see u soon k muacks....anyways bck 2 topic...i didnt and neva will hate e ppl who juz desesrted me...i mean i will be mad yah i am pissed...but nw can u hate ppl who u hv such a gd time wif...a person u really respected...or ppl who told u tat they will stand by ur side...
but i am not a beliver of hate....i dont hate anybody not even briiiiinda or her dorky bf...sure i dont like her but hate her neva....i am one of those ppl who is against war n stuff that invovles violence...and ther is violence and war because ther is hate...so why would i hate any1 if i didnt believe in war rite....i oso am a believer of karma wat goes around comes around...y gather bad karma by hating ppl rtite....honestly if u hate for who n wat i really am i really dont care....but if u hate me what i write in my blog them it is my bad karma for incurring hate in ppl n i dont wat u to have bad karma either so i shall clarify wat i said in my previous entry...the who9le flirting thing....totalli bogous..yup its nt true...if u dont want 2 belive me then fine that's ur own problem...i did my job..y i did it will honestli...i am complicated...yes i am...ppl here dont noe my past n i dont noe urs...wat i did or wat happened in s'pore to me u will neva noe...but nevertheless..i hv an alterego....something like that lady in Heroes...but more like beyonce's alter ego...i am a kind of person who loves her perfect environment to be optimum conditions...like n enzyme or bacteria....if e conditions become drastic or very bad then i will denatured....i will become some1 else 2 cope wif the change...i become alert responsible impusive clingy vengeful basically i wont b able 2 think straight....i am like tat...different crisis different personas...so basicalli i am nt the person u see in college everyday i become some1 else inside...it is not necessariliy a bad thing it has helped me befor wen i was in other different crisises....but in this situation it became....like adding fuel to fire....i guess i did mayb in my twisted frame of mind 2 find out nhow amy ppl who said r my frend sdecide tat they dont want 2 b my frend juz cos i happened 2 say tat...neverthe less i found out...now think bout it if i was really such a flirt wldn u like see me surrounded by guys n i wont really like hv any girl frends cos girls dont like girls tat r like tat...so logicall it can b deduced tat i was so juz playing wif ur heads....funny huh...ppl tend 2 misread me in person cos sometimes wen i get 2 excited my manners tend 2 fly out e window...n duer 2 my past my outloom on money is starkly didffeernet from mos ppl i noe...i am nt dirt poor or anyrthing but things have happened to me tat caused such perceptions...i mean if u wan 2 say oh i juz spendt $$$$$$ amt casually like it was nothing then y cant be different n moan tat i spend $$...it neva really mattered if i was wif my s'pre buddies cos they did they same thing we knew tat we didnt mean wat we said even though we were callin each other moron or stupid....that comes 2 another point...i for one neva got along wif any of my frend's bfs....none...may 1 or 2 but most of they i didnt like sure i bitched bout them...but tat neva stopped her from seeing them nor me frm being ther for her wen she dumps them....nw tell me if i am wrong y cant apply the princple wif my guy friends...i didnt become my frend's girlfrend so y shld i become theirs juz cos they happen 2 b male....i am juz like tat i am ur frend bout unless i knew ur girlfend prior 2 u being 2 gether chances r i wont like her unless i get 2 know her...it has been ingrained in my brain for love of god...anyways another thing if u wan 2 go looking in my past enteries by all means go ahead i am so not stopping you but if u r going 2 say oh my wat a bitch cos of my past n not my present although some of my past did cos e present...,n some perception sof ppl change wif time...ppl who i thot were bitches i dont now i may even say their nice..pl who i didnt thibnk wer bitches i may think now...so if u wan 2 judge me for my past then well honestli them i doont care...