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Sunday, November 19, 2006
looks like my source was wrong but i found out that they didnt break up...i mean they looked good together n everything...but mostli i was panicking for nothin lah...anyways i am really feeling depressed right now n my nails r making it really hard to type cos they r like really long...veri...besides that i dont noe y but i am like feelin really crap lateli n i hv no 1 to talk to cos i dont wan 2 freak my frends out u noe...they will nt understand...n i dont really wan 2 call s'pore...i dont noe y...i mean my mocks r comin up n everythin but i feel very low on everything...i didnt hv an arguement wif any1...ther is no more rumours i hope...n will i juz feel like i cant do any gd...like i am hopeless...i guess it mostli was because i am nt doin well at all for my LAN malay...i only got 10 out of 20 so far n i hv 2 do a malay paper n pass..it is like impossible..u noe y..cos i hv 2 write a karangan..it is makin me feel hopeless cos i dont think i can pass n then i hv to take it all over again...n i dont want to do tat...n somemore the mocks of my other exams r occuring at the same time as the malay paper...i dont think i hv e time to study them both intensli..n i dont think i can do well for both...i dont noe if i should juz give up on my mocks n juz concentrate on my malay....sighs lah...oh n by the way lateli i hav become very cryable...i mean seriousli i dont understand...i don not cry...i hate to cry it makes me look weak....so i dont like to cry....but it is totalli okay for others to cry juz not me..anyways lateli i hv been shedding tears over that smallest things i mean seriouli...i was watchin kevin hill n in e last episode he losin custody of his daughter n when he was sayin the last words to the baby i was like cryin...n wen i read tis book i was cryin oso....i mean seriousli me cry...n now i hv tis tendency to stare into blank space in a room n not care if the room is in darkness or nt...n oso i keep thinkin bout this time last year wen i was so upset i took my hair pin n skreched my wrist...it happened a few times last year..n now i feel like doin it again...i told my self that i wldnt but now e tempation is gettin to strong...n i am havin too many 'fat' days....most likeli cos i packed on a few pounds....i am bvack to being 60..n i hate it i wan 2 be back at 55....besides tat i have tis urge to not eat e whole day n do tat thing i did last year..i noe inoe it's wrong n i an controllin it...it is gettin harder n my grandmother isnt makin it any easier...i mean we r both very strongheaded...i wont do things if i am forced in2 doin them...but i dont noe lah...n to add the cherry to the cake...i think tat shawn noes...tis is nt gd cos i was tryin 2 make converstion wif him without lookin like i amtryin to hard...but he keeps ignorin me...n i am totalli scared...i cant take it if he rejects me now....if it was one or two mnths ago i wld juz let it slide...oh well