Designer : PauLeNe
Brushes : xXx
Image : xXx
Software : xXx
Fonts: xXx
Basecodes: xXx

this blog is about my life through my eyes
any feelings hurt or spirt crushed will not be
not be held against the mangement of this blog(meaning me)
if you wish you voice out any unhappiness due to the blog
or otherwise look out for my tagboard where you can voice
your opinion about the blog and/or it's contents
any personal unsatisfactions about me will be taken up
in my presence to my face
entries in this blog are how i feel at that moment in time
and not my everyday presence of mind
feelings and opinions change so do not hold me accountable
for any kind of misinterpretation of the blog

i am like feeling like super guilty lah for like talkin bout the lovely lady...u noe gossipin bout her...she seems nice enough..i guess i was juz plain jealous...i mean juz look at her..n her bf may exactly be my cup of tea butv togather they r like the perfect couple...they show that they r together but not that outwardli lah...n well i am juz feelin really stupid now...i guess i deserve it lah...sometime i can be so heartless to people i either dont really noe i an enviuos bout...well my malsy exam is in like 3 days i dont noe how i am gonna pass it but i guess i just hv to....sighs lah...well blog later

looks like my source was wrong but i found out that they didnt break up...i mean they looked good together n everything...but mostli i was panicking for nothin lah...anyways i am really feeling depressed right now n my nails r making it really hard to type cos they r like really long...veri...besides that i dont noe y but i am like feelin really crap lateli n i hv no 1 to talk to cos i dont wan 2 freak my frends out u noe...they will nt understand...n i dont really wan 2 call s'pore...i dont noe y...i mean my mocks r comin up n everythin but i feel very low on everything...i didnt hv an arguement wif any1...ther is no more rumours i hope...n will i juz feel like i cant do any gd...like i am hopeless...i guess it mostli was because i am nt doin well at all for my LAN malay...i only got 10 out of 20 so far n i hv 2 do a malay paper n pass..it is like impossible..u noe y..cos i hv 2 write a karangan..it is makin me feel hopeless cos i dont think i can pass n then i hv to take it all over again...n i dont want to do tat...n somemore the mocks of my other exams r occuring at the same time as the malay paper...i dont think i hv e time to study them both intensli..n i dont think i can do well for both...i dont noe if i should juz give up on my mocks n juz concentrate on my malay....sighs lah...oh n by the way lateli i hav become very cryable...i mean seriousli i dont understand...i don not cry...i hate to cry it makes me look weak....so i dont like to cry....but it is totalli okay for others to cry juz not me..anyways lateli i hv been shedding tears over that smallest things i mean seriouli...i was watchin kevin hill n in e last episode he losin custody of his daughter n when he was sayin the last words to the baby i was like cryin...n wen i read tis book i was cryin oso....i mean seriousli me cry...n now i hv tis tendency to stare into blank space in a room n not care if the room is in darkness or nt...n oso i keep thinkin bout this time last year wen i was so upset i took my hair pin n skreched my wrist...it happened a few times last year..n now i feel like doin it again...i told my self that i wldnt but now e tempation is gettin to strong...n i am havin too many 'fat' days....most likeli cos i packed on a few pounds....i am bvack to being 60..n i hate it i wan 2 be back at 55....besides tat i have tis urge to not eat e whole day n do tat thing i did last year..i noe inoe it's wrong n i an controllin it...it is gettin harder n my grandmother isnt makin it any easier...i mean we r both very strongheaded...i wont do things if i am forced in2 doin them...but i dont noe lah...n to add the cherry to the cake...i think tat shawn noes...tis is nt gd cos i was tryin 2 make converstion wif him without lookin like i amtryin to hard...but he keeps ignorin me...n i am totalli scared...i cant take it if he rejects me now....if it was one or two mnths ago i wld juz let it slide...oh well

u noe i hv heard e some bad news...Ms lovely Lady n Mr tall-dark-n-handsome(he is so not tall dark or handsome) hv broken up!!....n tis can nt b...then tis will make Ms lovely lady single n available!!!....tis means shawn might make his move n that's it its all over...i am like totally miserable...no no no...the relationship tat i thot will last longer has crumbled while e one predicted to end fast is still on...oh no!!!...this is so not happening!!...why do things have to be like this...i was plannin it all out...ever since tat hey...i have been tryin to find myself in a situation wif him so that i can have a conversation wif him...u noe i might nt like him once i get to noe him...but now its all ruined...i noe he still likes her..i mean LOOK at her....she is thin pretty fantastic complexion great hair abslouteli briany great person..(i presume cos she hates me n i dont really blame her.. i was nt tat warm wif her 2 start wif n nw wif all tis rumours goin around i am not surprised...)..this is not lookin good for me....sighs lah...anyways check out tis website....http://vote.sparklit.com/web_poll.spark/788638..n sha i did mention in my blog that only four ppl remebered my b'dae....n as i always remeber..one of them is u...so chill...how can i nt rember bout tat 16th b'dae...

yes life's little surprises....sometimes they r gd sometimes they r really bad n u wish they never existed....well anyways...u noe life is kinda weird for me...i noticed...tat even though i neva like had more then 1 bf...i always like hv a crush on some1 or like some1..or somethin like that...u sometimes i think tat i like guys 4 e sake of liking them rather then who they r...i dont understand y....i mean wats so great bout them amyways...they mostly morons to the maximum most of the time...i usually hate their annoying habits and shallow converstions...i mean i noe i am nt heidous or anythin like tat...but....i know i am not pretty either...no guy has said that i was hot or sexy or juz plain pretty....well expt 4 ajay but tat doesnt count he is my frend he kinda has 2 b nice 2 me...no guy has actually said n meant it...u noe...i mean i guess i feel sometimes ther is like no excitement in my life n feel like i hv 2 make my own drama...if u can call it that....cos frankly i tell u i never get anywher with them now i really wont cos...lil miss f***herself has bn sayin things n makin me look like some kind of bf stealer..u noe maneater...u noe...but nw i really hv no hope...seriousli...look at me i am a real piece of work...i am not pretty or skinny or tat talented in anything special i appear like a goody 2 shoes...but honestli i am gonna tell u somethin...i really really like him...as in shawn...yah yah i said i stopped likein n all tat bull but somehow i donno...i neva actualli stopped likin him....i was juz tryin 2 convice myself n my frends tat...but i was lyin 2 myself...i guess i juz hv 2 stand in e distance n look at him...knowin tat he will neva know...thank god 2 it will juz freak in out n send him runnin...like e wind...sigh wateva lah i donno why i evn do tis 2 myself....sometimes i feel i juz do this 2 like fill some kinda hole in me..u noe...like a i am not good enough hole..which is ther starin at me...i juz wish i had some1 who loves me like tat...u noe 2 look at u n get all smiley or hv his eyes light up wenever he says my name or vice versa...well who am i kidding...myself...tat's neva gonna happen...i am juz mis ordinary plain jane...whpo will end up livin in a ordinary plain hse...livin n ordinary plain life....but i dont want tat i want life with drama...a fantastic hse...n all those kind of things....but oh well right..oh well