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this blog is about my life through my eyes
any feelings hurt or spirt crushed will not be
not be held against the mangement of this blog(meaning me)
if you wish you voice out any unhappiness due to the blog
or otherwise look out for my tagboard where you can voice
your opinion about the blog and/or it's contents
any personal unsatisfactions about me will be taken up
in my presence to my face
entries in this blog are how i feel at that moment in time
and not my everyday presence of mind
feelings and opinions change so do not hold me accountable
for any kind of misinterpretation of the blog

like 2dai was teacher's dai eve....
we had no lessons whoo hoo..missed like all the ss periods tis week!!!
WHOO HOO!!!!tat is like super great....anyways 2dai we set
a world record...we passed a hula hoop thru e longest human chain...
LAME!!!! but wateva lah..at least we had no lessons...
after e record-breakin feat we still had time left so we wen back 2 class...
along e way we saw some teachers n gave them their gifts...
n then we had e concert...e bez part....e old students came back...
nt any1 i noe favourabli...surendran came back...
the bastard....looks like 1 to..haha 2 him...look at mi now u loser...
nt e lil goody 2 shoes u dissed u bastard....diss mi nw n u will juz hv ur
back broken...anyways after tat i wen n bought flowers 2 give 2
mi pri teachers...n met Astha n Fides(6 love) n wen 2 our old
pri sch...we had 2 wait 4 like 1 1/2 hr b4 they came back at 3. 15
we were like laughin n talkin...i told her bout him...veri briefly...
afterall she is my pri sch bes frend...so she does hv a rite 2 noe...
then after tat...we talked a while wif e teachers...mrs augustine
n ms nonis did nt come back so i onli gave flowers 4 ms michelle ho,
ms heng n gave mdm chia flowers...well tat's it...expt tat guys can b
so cluless or act like it which i hate by e way....annoys mi...
come on i am pretty obvious...rite..."scorpios r sex godesses treat us wif
e respect we deserve"!! come on hw much more obvious can i get!!...
i shld juz write there..."hey u like u!!"....stupid noe tat guy....
wateva lah don bother wastin time...
hump.....

well we had our chem practical 2dai...
it was a complete diaster!! wat onli....
well the tiration calculations were crap n e Qualitative
analysis was shit....i mean i seriousli screwed up....
wonder hw i will fair in the physics practical...
well the Os r such a pain in e hind!!...
e prelims r like gonna start n i am onli gonna start studyin on
thursdai....ironicalli tat is e teacher's dai...
at least there is no sch on fridai...n the nxt week is e septmber
hols....so i hv 2 like mug like crazi!!!....SIGHS...
well my old primary sch best frend called...
it has bn like such a long time...i hv grown like so much since
e last time week talked n stuff...i look a bit different 2....
hopefulli better nw then b4...wonder hw she looks n is...
i mean soooooo.....much has happened since we like last talked...
so veri veri long time....i am seein her tmr 2 go n c all our old teachers...
i hv finalli finished the gifts...but hv yet 2 finish e cards...
makin 1 4 almost everi teacher....
excpt....mr Ng cos i onli noe him tis yr n he is mean...mr foo cos he is a fool
of a pe teacher.....i may not give mrs haridass or mrs lu-lim....
but i don noe..i wonder i think i hv to go n get some chocolates 4 mi old
primary school teachers...mayb ferro roche....or i will juz split 50-50 wif
astha...um don noe...mayb i will bump in2 some of my old classmates tmr....
hopefulli i don look like a dork....sighs....
well tat's it n i am like so over guys permanentli..4eva...
i mean they r like such pains...fools....
waste of my time...they r either clueless more often then not...
or they noe n they like freak out n juz drop u in a lurch....
jackasses..don they noe a godess wen they c 1.....
wateva lah!!!!...
anyways....tat's it byez....

well 2dai was our bio practcal ....
it was super lame u noe... we had to measure worms!!
i mean eewww!!!..grossness much....
we had e usual 4 e 1st part u noe labellin a drawin a stupid
tomato and potato....then we had 2 measure e worms!!!
well i measured them in the bag so tat i wont hv 2 touch those things...
yuck...well anyways it was a stupid practical...
tmr i hv chem n then physics test on thermal properties....
die onli!!!....
esp. e physics...n the chem .....
well he sure noes hw 2 send a hint....without even tryin...
well i msged him n he did nt reply....
i did nt say anything incrminatin or anythin...
juz a general topic....
well wateva there r plenty of fish in e sea...
haha...i feel so empowered i don noe y....haha...
guess i feel like a real scorpio for once....
u noe they tat scorpuios r suppose 2 b sex goddesses....
hahaha....
guess i feel that way....
i am sooooo gonna die tmr!!!!

2day was like the usual ... did some of the my teacher's day gifts...
giving chocolates for mr anjappan n mr chan...
giving plants to ms liza, mrs singh and ms tuan....
wen to the heartland mall to get the chocolates..
n we saw like tis ice cream stand selling turkish ice cream...
well i cld not keep my eyes off the stand...
it is not the fact e vendor happened 2 b a cute turk or anything...
well tat may b part of e reason but...the other reason..
is the way e ice cream was served...way the guy kept stirring n
moulding the ice cream in the ice box...it was intriging...
n i was curious 2 noe hw the ice cream will taste...
so later we bought a cone of all three flavours...
he was so cute ....blue eyes n dirty blonde n not too fair...
wif a super cute turkish accent....drool...
well anyways...i ate e icecream..which was different...
it was smooth and soft like silk...tasted different..
yummy....
well anyways...
i am gonna admit to the whole world tat i have a thing for...
KG....i can like go n jump of a building....
which wont be such a bad thing then i wont hv 2 take the Os...anyways...
yes...sad but tru lah..i mean i am not hvin a crush..cos tat
is like childish...but u get the idea....wateva lah...
well tat's it expt tat bio practical TMR!!!!
wish mi luck...
i am so gonna die...

Goodness finallyi have done it...
took mi like foreva 2 go n get it done...
was wondering if eva i was goin to get it done...
but still hv a long way 2 go b4 gettin it finished....
i cld nt decide which 2get...
yup i finalli got e teacher's dai gifts...1 of those DIY things...
hope they like it...
um...tat's all tat happened ...wen to Plasa Sing...it was like
super crowded..there were these 2 i think North Indian gals...
fuuk lah...they were like super gorgeous...serious it is nt fair...
hump...i an talkin blemish free complexion ..fair.. nice hair
the whole package...they looked rich n a bit aloof...
but who cares if u look like tat rite...humph....
do u think i shld msg him or not...
nt Him him..juz him...
um...don wan 2 cm 2 4ward..or do i...
goodness y do i hv 2 fall 4 guys juz cos we like e same things...
n hv nice voices...wateva lah...
tat's like all tat happened...but excpt...
mondai bio practical prelims!!!!
!!!SCREAM!!!....!!!PANIC!!!
oh my the end is comin....

well today is like super super boring....
i tell u there is no endin...sometimes...
ahiyah....am like so dead sometimes i wonder y i even bother
frettin..but cant help it...practicals on mondai...
bio somemore....anything under the sun can come up u noe....
then on tues chem practical...sigh....
wednesdai is teacher's dai n oso the dai we do e hula hoop...
wat onli..thurs teacher's dai hol...
fri back 2 sch...n hv 2 go to sch during e sept hols...
tues amatha...wed n thurs english....sigh...
sommore on top of tat i wan to go out n watch e maid...
gives hope tat there is life after death...sigh....
n tat is nt all oh no..loshana neva keeps things simple...
oh no tat wld b 2 boring so she likes 2 make things interestin...
n likes 2 hv her heart broken in2 a million pieces....again....
y?!y?! u ask..don ask 4 i hv no ans....
wat am i lamentin bout u ask....
nt him dont worri i am like so over him....
then who u ask...
tat is e thing DON ASK?!...
u c i met tis 1 person who happens to b a nice guy....
a veri nice n interestuin guy who happens 2 b single...
who i met in a veri um...crucial pt of my love life tis yr....
...i myself did nt noe tat was gettin 1 tis yr...weird..anyways...it was
rite bout e time i got my heart broken...
so nw i think tat i kinda hv a thing 4 him...
well tis wld nt b a problem excpt ....
i am sure if i do a nt...n i think i am being a bit 2 4ward ....
i kinda um..suggestive..veri if he reads btwn e lines....
literali...i hv cn his pic..nt bad....
but..but aiyah..wat's e pt he mos probabli wont consider mi anyways...
nt tat i wan him 2...do i..i don noe..
but e big Os r comin up....
y oh y do i do tis 2 myself....
*sigh*

i am so losing my sanity...i was like super tired due to
stayin up till 1 am n survivin on coffee for three nights
in a row....so tired n sleepy during school i was gonna jump
off the building...but after tat..as in after sch finished i was
reali energised...i could run a mile...serious...
i am like so weird...anyways teachers dai is comin u...
i haven't gotten ANYTHING done for the teachers!!!
i am so dead...e prelims r gonna START!!!....
the practicals r startin on mondai!!!!
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!......
i am super stressed we need the grades to get into a JC...
any JC....wat onli....aiyoh!!!!die die die!!!!
i am such a evil preson okay...
it takes mi onli like 5 dais 2 get over a breakup!!!
reali...well mayb i am nt over it..n i juz transferred
my feelings from one guy 2 another...excpt tis guy does nt
reali like mi n is nt reali my type....nt tat i hv a specific type...
well mayb i don even like him but think i do 2 get over the
breakup....i am such a despo...
well he doesnt understand wat, "get another gal" means then 2 bad...
i mean seriousli tat is wat i told him wen i broke up wif him...
hope he does nt try 2 turn it in2 1 of those romeo juliet kinda thing...
well it doesnt matter cos i am gonna die soon anyways...
bye world...nice to hv known u .....

well after i blogged mi family n i wen 2 e cafe cartel...
for dinner cos it was mi bro's b'dai...n then wen we came back
we cut cake n opened up pressies...i was in a super lame joker
mood e whole time..i guess after bloggin i felt a whole lot better....
well yups..feel like alot better...well wateva lah....
he is like old news n i need 2 move on...if he does nt then 2 bad..
4 him...god i am such a witch..i shld juz go n burn myself
on the stake or somethin....well all i hv to sai is i am feelin better...
cos 2dai wen i was talkin to kohila she was tellin me u noe
bout her ex n stuff n was able 2 talk bout him wifout feelin like
i was being stabbed in e heart with a stake...i am like almost as over him...
as over as possibliy can b...but sometimes well yea..u get e idea...
wheather i will say yes or no if he eva asks mi again..it all depends on
my situation wen he asks mi...but the odds r against him...n oso
6 mnths is a long time n he himself might 4get mi...so we juz hv to c...
but honestly i hv 2 tell u tis is tat i am actuali interested in gettin
2 noe more bout KG....yups...he seems nice enough...but i don wan to
b pushy or anythin...but i am indian..n he a mix where chinese is more
dominant...in him...wait y am i even sayin tis...wateva...
god the Os r comin!!!!....
i am gonna die...mati onli....
..sigh...

Well 2day was a bit different...in so many ways...
let mi start from e beginning...um...we had e usual day..
until at assembly wen they had a skit on aids...
bein a bio student i nboe all e dangers n ways in which we
can get aids...n stuff but e skit was realli funny i cld die laughin..
serious....n then for the 1st time in 4 yrs i witness caning...it was
nt tat bad...they did not even flinch...two boys wif similar offences...
one boy assulted two gals...wat a bastard while e other assulted
a boy but wateva...well tis a creepy thing...
wen at first they made e 1st boy bend over ..i suddenly see him...
i am serious...my heart was breakin as in as if he was
gonna get caned..i look down n got mi orientation back...
basicalli told miself to get a grip...wen i looked back up it
was e offenders...so i watched...but tat was freaky...
after tat i had eng class where we did an outdated paper...
i n sha finished earli...so we wen out of sch to wait 4 kohila
n anu....we were listenin to her cd player...n we were talkin...
so she was talkin bout her dream hse...so i was imaginin it
as i was walkin thru e rooms in my minds eye...i bump into him...
i was like wat onli..n concentrated real hard so tat he wld...
demateriaslize...n he did...n tat comes to wat was buggin mi 2dai...
somethin is always buggin mi...
Does he reali expect mi to wait for him...6 mnths!!!
who is he kiddin he does nt own mi u noe...
Accordin 2 wat he told sha...he is off gals....i cld die laughin...
seriousli him off gals...it's like mi hatin sweets...
wateva...if he remebers n if he does come back to mi then it will
all depend if i am single or nt....n if he is willin to follow some of my
ground rules....
1)he wld stop lyin to his frends bout mi...
2)being older n in JC he wld hv to handle e more demandin mi...
3)he is not gonna walk all over mi again...
4)he will be more careful around his dad...
n lastly..
5)if the feeling is still there....
god i miss him like crazy....but time heals all wounds...
or at least makes then smaller....
wateva...sigh...

Tis is gonna be a super long entry cos my weekend has bn
hectic n my feelings r in a mess...complete jumble...
well here goes..
..saturdai....
well in the morning i wen to Orchard Rd wif nazeeya...
2 get mi brother his b'dai gift a wallet..it is a REALLY
nice wallet he better look after it..we oso took neoprints
n bought some earrings...n ate..she was a bit quiet...i guess
cos e dai b2 i kind of blew at her...i was cranky n tried n sleepy..
n she asked,"did u call him"..i had no idea who she was tokin bout n
i was tired n did nt like 2 be confused..so i kinda sounded mad...
well sori..no offence...well yea anyways...came home n then wen running or to a photoshoot....
i loved it..i love it wen ppl take pictures of mi...but nt the
picture mi itself...in fact i rather burn my photos...so i am
weird..well like duh...then after tat...wen out 4 dinner..
n came home..KG msged mi for e 1st time..u noe e guy tat
nazeeya has bn settin mi up wif..well he is a nice guy wif a
super nice voice...sexy even..but i don c us being more than frends...
but i like him...nice guy..anyways..we were msging wen..
kohila called mi at like 8.45pm almost 9...
so we sat down n talked..while i msged him...
we talked bout u noe her guy n mi n hw we both bcame single on e same dai...
funni...her guy is super lame..mine was a different situation..
n well yea..e whole dai i had bn like reali guilty bout e well
u noe wat n she had to sai...he was serious he actuali told..
sha he was gonna get u diamond ring 4 ur b'ai....
it was like some1 soccer puncher mi...
i guess e onli reason i was feelin okay was cos...
i was concentratin on e last few days of our relatinship...
i 4got about all e good times...n nw tat she reminded mi off it i cldnt sleep...
thank gdness KG was there to keep mi company...
n the moon was so big n close n beautiful ....
n all i cld think bout was him....
....sunday....
wen to the temple todai... well quite late...
then came home n rushed off for tution...
then sha msged mi...well on fridai night wen sha called i asked her 2
check up on him to c hw was takin e news....n wish i hadnt...
cos it onli makes mi feel worse...
tis is wat he replied...
"Do you noe mi dad spanked mi big time and that i am not planning to get another gal i will get back to her after 6 mnths"
wat was i 2 think i was mortified...i was so miserable....
am i suppp to wait..wat if he changed his mind...wat if he did not...
wat onli..i miss him lah but ....
aiyoh....

Finally i broke up wif him...ended the whole thing...
wif a VOICE MESSAGE!!!..that is more evil than nt callin him...
but i needed to confirm it over so tat i can move on n even him to
find some1 else...I AM SO EVIL!!!!...but hey mayb he did nt
love like he said he did anyways...juz thot he did...
wateva lah..nt like i said everthin tat i felt anyways..
no time n i was in a panic n was like tryin to cram all
tat i was feeling into like less then a min...speech..
but after tat i felt reali like relieved...like it was over...
u noe all e pain n agony...n stuff..i was like...
god tat felt gd...n i started thinkin bout KG n T....
seriousli..i was like i got over him so fast...
n wen i come home all i can tink bout is him....
hw he is..wat he is doin..wheather i was evil or nt by doin tat...
but i do hv 1 regret...that wld b like i neva reali kissed him
properly as in a make-out session...u noe i muz sound like a slut
if i sai tis but e fact is tat..i like to french...i love it...
it is all like u noe a nice um..experience...
okay i shall say no more...
um...rite..

missin him....

cant stop thinkin of him....

fuuk..y wont it all STOP!!!

well todai we stayed in sch up to like 5.45!!
WAT ONLI....
for some lame maths enrichment nonsense...
but it was okay cos we were hanging wif the indo gals...
so it was reali fun..jokin n stuff...we won coffee bean vochers...
$20....hw to share so little amoung 6 ppl!!...
oh yea i had physics test..don wan to talk bout it....
sure FAIL!!!!...n chem test osos...
sure FAIL!!!...n i stayed up yesterdai to study for e test some
more wat onli lah.....
some more so sleepy...stayed up till like 12.45 plus...
coffee n chocolates make the best caffine boosters...
.....
i am terrified to call him...
i dont think i will call him....
but tat wld b like evil...
i feel like the feelin is fadin..but it is still there...
n some more...i am afraid tat wen i hear his voice it will all
come flooding back...n then i will go back in to tat place...
forgetting him is like so difficult.. i mean there will b
no 1 else tat i wld b more comfortable wif...but him..
i was gonna tell him bout well mi...
n stuff tat even mi bez frends don noe cos they may judge mi...
n he won....
life juz sucks....
..sigh...

God the dais r gonin by reali fast...the prelims will be comin soon...
um...well hv to start stayin up late...sigh...umm...nothin much to sai..
u noe somethin i don noe y but things tat i dream of happenin to mi
previously...will onli happen later..much later...like tat dai...
i took e bus wif nazeeya n T...we actuali had a conversation...
even though it onli lasted 1 min...it was the 1st time in 4 yrs we
talked...n i wld hv given almost anythih for tat moment b4
e june hols...now i juz feel like laughin...i mean he still is attrative....
but i am nt attracted to him....n another eg wld b 2dai...last yr...
i had a thing 4 J...but of course there wld b no future...
cos he was juz such a jerk...but anyways 2dai..he was like next to
mi breathin down neck...i was like wat onli...i wld hv bn like all happi...
if tat had happened last yr...but pissed off cos they cut Q...
but i have to admit i do hv a thing for M...u noe e guy from sha n Kohila's
class...n i don like him like him...juz think he a gd catch....i am nt crushin
on him cos i still hv nt gotten over him...oh yea i hv taken mi frneds advice
n let him go....well sha's advice anyways....
i was always wonderin y i was clingin on 2 him...
n it was cos i thot n still think tat there will b no1 there 4 mi after him....
stupid i noe but i cant help it....
i am nt attractive n i keep thinkin tat he wld b the best tat i will eva get...
n let him walk all over mi even thogh he is like 1 yr younger than mi....
i am juz so lame...u noe i reali liked that fool..reali..n yea i was obvious...
so who cares rite...well i shld b on e road 2 "recovery" if they don eva mention him eva...
but i noe i will feel left out wen kohila talks bout her beau....
i can juz kick miself...wateva lah...but i tell u 1 thing i will
neva regret eva goin out wif him....
eva...

i am blogging for fun todai....
i still havent finished my hwk..or started studyin...
i am goin to a place far away far too often these days....
n it is gettin more intense as in i actuali feel like i am in tat place...
which is werid cos i cant usuali do tat...i think i am goin thru too much emotional stress...
which i put myself thru cos i worry too much about everythin...
n on top of that small mundane things r often blown up in my head n they become big issuses....
i cant stop thinkin bout him...which is annoyin mi to pieces...
n too top it all off i have put on weight cos i hv bn excessively eatin....
i am a classic case of a sad case...pathetic even....
i seriousli need to reorganise my life.....
n learn not to sweat the small stuff...
n..n...goodness i am so have to get tis off my chest
..okay tis has bn buggin mi since yesterdai.....
Well nazeeya came over yesterdai we were on the comp...
surfin the net n basicalli juz chillin n havin fun....
after tat she invites mi over to her hse...since my mum is in malaysia...
i asked my dad who cant say no to let mi go n he did...
so at her hse we looked at her uncle's weddin photos..
her uncle is quite gd-lookin..she looks alot like him...alot...
n then well we wen to her msn...as usual she was goofin around n ..
tis guy wat's his name...katrikesh or somethin...it is a weird name...
no offence...well he called her hp n we talked..honestly...he
sounded exactly like some1 i noe but i don who...it was veri
ang mohish...he hates tamil n so do i...but tat is besides the pt...
for some bizzare reason i hv a thing for guys wif ang mohish voice...
don ask mi y...but look at justin...n him...they don sound indian now do they....
well...so anyways...cos his ang mohish soundin voice...i think i was too nice...
u noe i sounded um...interested...which i am nt..nt in tat way...
but then after tat i kinda feelin guilty bout it..i noe lame...
well thankfuli...he did not call or msg again...even though
nazeeya gave him mi no. ...well he is a nice guy but it will juz make
mi feel more guilty..i am juz pathetic...actuali i shld nt feel guilty
cos if i give him e liberti to do wat he wans..as long as he does nt cheat....
then y cant i rite...i mean seriousli...it shld b both ways....
oh wait.. i tink i noe y i am guilty...it was nt cos of tokin to the guy...
it is cos i sounded like i was flirtin..which i hope i did nt....
well anyways he did nt call or msg..muz be cos of wat i asked...
u noe about his exes..n stuff kinda turns a guy off..
n not in that kind of way but in a more platonic way...
um...feels better....
WAT ONLI!!!!
i am SO sweatin the small stuff...
y cant i juz stop being so damn paranoid....
nvm.....well tat's it..i tink...

well i cant be bothered to finish off yesterdai's entry....
wateva lah.yesterdai is yesterdai...n todai is todai...
i am like tokin nonsense...well i am think i will take it easi
wif the whole-u-noe-wat i shld juz relax n let things take it's course....
basicali stop analysing the relationship....AS IF....tat will neva
happen i mean serious..i am juz an overanalysin freak!!...
well duh...well juz to let his dad noe he juz messed wif e wrong bitch...
seriously if he thinks that a bugged fone,chaffered ride home, list of numbers n noein mi no is gonna keep mi away fromm his son..then he is soooo wrong...In fact he shld blame his son for tat....the last gal may have left but i am here to stay.....period...
haha...okay tat sounds reali creepy...n mean like i am so not like tat....
yea well i hv not bn mysrlf lateli...um...pretti obvious....
oh yea 2dai we had ss...but havin Haridas as a teacher we all noe it was dying....
i think i c wrinkles on my face after the lesson...i mean venice is reali cool but Haridas is so not....
Oh u will so not believe wat happened...u noe the 3dash1 they r like so totally cool...n the backup vocalist/ bassist is like soooo cute u hv no idea!!!....he is oso younger than 19 i mean like ....whoo....sigh....well u will neva belief tat my frend was actuali able to like tok to him on msn!!! how cool is tat!!!!oh my GAWD!!!....ok ok relax....
well todai is okay.....

Today i got back the results for the MT O'level results...i got a B3
it is okay ....a B3...not great but okay...i am not great in tamil
anyways...hopin for an A2 but a B3 is okay...cos i am so not
repeatin the exam...well Anu n Kohila got an A1...which i noe
they would get cos they r juz so damn gd in tamil...
well now i hv to juz work hard for mi other subjects...n get 6 pts..
Well now that that is said and done...let mi move on to more
pressin matters...today i call him 4 times...let mi recount each time.......
Call 1
Wen i first called him i was hopin he wld nt pick up...but he did n tis is how it went...
"Hello".him
"hello"..mi
"Hello"..him
"Hello"..mi
"Hello"..him..now i was peeved...
"Yes"...mi
"Who is this?" him..I was shocked n upset tat he may hv 4gotten mi...n so fast to...
..after tis pt i am not sure wat exactly he was saying or who he was talkin to..
but he sounded mad n he said the F-word...before...
"I'll call u back" and putting down the fone....i was veri upset...i was
actuali gonna cry...i mean wat a bastard i wen thru all tat trouble
to call him n he does tis i was determined neva to call him again....
he always says he will call mi back but neva does...wat a liar...i
then call Kohila n tell her wat happened..i was determined neva to talk to
him a again but she convinced mi to call again....so i do wen i reach the
Yio Chu Kang Station...
Call 2
"Hello"..him
"hello"..mi
"hello"..him
"hello"..mi
"oh hey,sori bout that i was in a fight.."..i was like wat onli does tis guy eva
not get in trouble...n was about to nag him to death...but all i said was...
"Oh.."..pathetic....
"yea,my dad is taking a day of to take the car to the workshop, the car is
broken. todai is the onli dai my dad let mi use the train...i hv to be home by
three...he always tells mi to come home 15 mins faster than possible..so i
have to run home..n i cant stop along the way.." ...him..i am not stupid..i
noe that he n i cant meet 4 a long time...a veri long time...so was naturali
aware tat he cld nt meet to dai so i cut him off half way ....
"yeah i know"..mi
"so wat r u doing?"..he always asks mi tis qn...but onli recently he was actuali
interested in knowin the answer...
I tell himmthat i am goin for tution n that i am callin from a payphone...
"my dad knows your number u noe..."...him..
"I use a prepaid so he wont be able to trace it to mi n it is under my mum's name"
"Actuali if the number is still in use then he can..but he wont call u it is juz to c if u call mi or if i call u"
Then there is a guy wif a deep voice sayin somethin i don care to listen....
i was gatherin the courage to talk to him bout..us..
"that's my frend.." ...him..he says something along the line of is my girlfrend or somethin and laughs...
and juz wen i open my mouth to sai somethin somethin along the lines to refer
to us the line goes dead the 10 cents has alreadi bn used up...i was like FUUK...
i wen to look for change n called him again..tis time no one picks up...
Call3
now i walk to my tution teacher's hse..and use the fone to make
my final attempt....
"hello"...tis time it was not him...it was is frend..i hope..
"Hello"..mi..i was decidein or not if i wan to trust tis voice...
"yes"..the voice says...i take a risk...
"May i plz speak to *him"...*him is not the guy's real name....
"he is busy.."i was like with wat...wat is goin on here....
"oh okay then.."is all i cld muster n put down the fone without a word...
I was confused was it the same guy who on msn informed mi of him's
situation....i call kohila again....she tells mi to give it another shot...
so i do.....
Call4
tis was the call i wished i neva made.....
"Hello"..him
"hello"..mi...
"my dad's here" he hisses in a panic...
"I will call u back"..tis was the last time he says that to mi....i hate those
words they r an empty promise....i juz hates he wen he lets mi that...
cos he is lying wen he says tat...n it makes me feel all hopeful for no reason...
n then wen i realsie that he is not gonna call i get disappointed n sad ...n i was
nt gonna

Alot has happened since monday...let us start from the 9th
it was Singapore's National Dai...all was not fun and games...
it was okay i supp....nothin much happened....juz missed him
like crazi n then the sufforcatin sense of loss overcame me
a few times...but otherwise it was okay...
Then it was the 10th...the day after..we went to see...
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory...wen the movie ended...
i felt the same senation like as if askin myself y all the gd things
in life end so fast....managed to reach him...sms 4om mi
brother's fone...he says he misses mi..he loves mi n the situation...
his dad (the bastard....sori...cant help it) has bugged the hse fone..
picks him up after sch...n oso does nt allow him to go on msn...
n he oso checks his hand fone....wen he msged mi tat...i cld nt
reply as his dad had reached home...fuuk it okay....but somehw
after gettin tat msg...i feel a whole lot better...i guess i juz did nt
wan to be kept in the dark....i juz wanted to noe if there was a present
for us....n if i eva get in contact wif him tis is wat i am gonna sai....

look i love u n miss u so much u hv no idea...but i think it is better we took
a break as in we open up the relationship..so that it is no longer serious...
so tat u r no longer obliged to contact mi if u cant n dont wan to..
n tis will oso keep u out of trouble for some time...u n i r in a veri unstable
period in our lives, wat wif my olevels n ur years of bad luck startin,i think
that we should lie low...n in the mths to come n wen ur dad finalli lets u live
ur life and if u find some1 else then it is okay...juz let mi noe k..we can always
b frends...n if u wan to continue from where we stopped then i will b waitin
here for always...k...n no matter wat i will always b here for u if u need mi...

well hope i remeber all of that...n god i miss him loads...
That leves with 2 dai I had my english olevels todai oral...stupid nonsense...
wat onli passage was abiut catering n careers n then the pic was bout some
training maid agency....then there was the conversation topics...wat onli...
wat course u wan to take in uni...r so jobs suited for some ppl...do u noe
any1 wif an unusual job...wat makes a person decide wat job he4 would take...
all that kind of shit.... n even though i was
feelin okay todai wen i wen past the boys toilet...i smelt tat scent..god my eyes
actuali stung for like 3 seconds before i was back to normal....it was the addidas
perfume...n i was from the toilet all the mutts use....like i said fuuk it....even
the songs on the radio give that senation but milder....fuuk it all....

now if u c from the title itself tat u noe hw i feel bout 2dai....
okay if u havin bn followin u would c that i was supp to b meeting him todai..
n if u bn followin the luck that i hv bn havin u would c tat i did not c him...
y...well cos his dad was there...fuuk okay tat man if juz one fuuker k...sori
i am nt tat rude a person but wen i get so frustrated that is wat happens...
in fact i am reali polite i neva actuali sai the bad word unless i am reali pissed...
n i used tat word more then 10 times 2dai k....so like tat is how frustrated
i was 2dai n the amt juz keeps buildin up n one dai i am gonna burst....
n i don cry...i neva cry...don ask y...some how i hv become desensitized...
muz be due to all the movies n stuff tat i watch...but tat does not mean that
i dont feel pain...on contray the physical pain is more painful for mi n i fear
it...in fact i fear the pain before death rather than death..werid rite...i noe..
i am juz weird...like wateva...but anyway yesterdai wat happened was tat the
pain in my heart...i mean tat figuratively...was so bad i felt like i was dying...
literali...so i eat my dinner n throw it all up n in the process cry...that is how
bad i jammed my finger down my throat...i juz wanted to feel better...n in a way
i did but after like an hr or so the pain juz came creepin back...i do not hv
an eatin disorder in...i am not underweight...i am in fact i am on the border
of overweight....i onli do it wen i feel pained....but if i feel depressed or frustrated
i eat...n eat n eat...mostly it is chocolates or some fried foods or somethin from
BreadTalk...well today i juz ate n ate n ate.....i did nt meet him so i wen out
wif nazeeya n kat...it was quite fun...we ate at the shaw house...long john silvers
..n we wen to istena n i got a not bk loads of chocolates...i oso ate applewerm from
BreadTalk....n oso ate rojak from sch...so 2dai basicali i juz ate n ate n ate....
cos i am feelin miserable n frustrated...i don wat to do or wat i wan anymore...
meetin 2day was like my attempt at understandin my feelings better but...
cos i didnt i onli feel more confused n sad n frustrated n everythin...
wateva lah i dont noe he is like killin mi okay...i mean it...in sch i dont
feel much but wen i am alone i feel like a kind of sufforcating kind
of pain build up in my heart...makes mi wan to cry but i cant...i dont
noe y....maybe i forgot how to cry...last time i was able to hide my feelings...
act like i am happy wen i was not...but nw it is becomin veri hard to do....yet
i still cant cry....
even though i can feel it....
it is all his fault...the pain of missin him is like reali bad....
it hurts....

Oh yes it does u have no idea...i mean seriously..my mum switched the internet access to the comp in my brother's room but it is giving problems...it refuses to open my accout on msn messenger n resists my attempts to install a new msn messenger...it is such a bloody fuukin
situation...n it is not helpin tat i am seriously missin the dude....i mean i was seriousli
considering breakin up...but i am missin him like crazy i can bang mi head on the wall...bangin
all i wan it is so not helpin...wateva lah...yesterdai my mum my bro(a disgrace) n i wen to j8 it was fun...FOX was havin a sale again so i bought 3 tops n mi first ankle socks....i see a bright future for mi ankle socks collection...haha lame....aiyo i am like so fat..seriousli i always dress
to hide it i have like a big butt n thighs...embarressin!!...i can neva eva wear tat cute mini
by the window...oh i tried n nearly fell backwards in shame!!!...nevamind...onli knee length n slightli above kneelength skirts for mi...sigh....somemore to dai my mum makin pie..do hv
ani idea how mani calories there in tat!!...n yesterdai i ate like alot i went for japanese food n
had icecream after that....wat onli u noe...i was in a gd mood until i came home n realised that
todai was saturdai...tamil movie dai...i don watch but he does n he usuali msg mi until late into
the nights...now there will be no more gd nites or gd mornings...or how was ur dai...fuuk u noe...
y cant parents juz leave their kids alone...they thinki wat tat i might distract him for his studies
....hahaha...i think i was the one who actuali redirected him to his studies...i think being older
n in express kinda made feel a bit inferior in a way like how i sometimes feel small nxt
to a raffles girl or a gal in the speacial stream...i always lectured him on the importance of
studying....i noe i nag all the time...it is in the genes...my mum does so does my aunt n also my grandmother n her sisters...n i hv a feelin that my great grandmum also was like tat...anyway...
things arent so great...they r okay...i think....i am goin to see Charlie's chocolate factory....cant
wait...n did i tell u i am a chocolate lover...give mi a 100 bucks n i might juz blow it all on
chocolates, socks n accesorises n maybe even a skirt...i so need a new skirt....my old ones r like
soo long...y i bought them still puzzles mi...

That is exactly wat i am doin...today was generali an okay dai...
it was pretty borin n they gave us like tons of homework to do for the
national days Hols...might as well skip the hols cos i hv seriousli start
studyin...luckily i managed to get some of it done...some of it onli....
but u noe wat tat means...tat's rite we did not meet..well we did not
plan to meet anyway...now tat his father wont leave him alone...
anyways...i called him today cos i noe he wont call mi...used the public
fone...he always says he will call back but in the end he does not..so i hv
to...today i spent the whole dai muling on wheather to break up or not...
actuali i was muling over wat i was gonna sai to him...tat was until i
heard his voice...i hvn't heard any1 so happy to hear my voice before..
he was like his usual self even though i was speakin in an indifferent
sort of way..i was all psyched up to end it until..i realised i cld not....i
hv no spine or balls to do it....wait i don hv any balls so heck...i don care
we will c on mondai wen i meet him...if he decides to show up...n if he
does not i might juz grow a spine...well yea 2dai went by in a relatively
good mood for mi even though i was thinkin bout endin it...i guess deep
down i knew before hand that i juz would not be able to bring myself to
do it....i will juz have to sit on the fence......

Today i made the most difficult desicsion...it was to let him go..yes to break
up wif him...i sat down in my room and stared at my four walls...and thot
about all that has happened in the last month n a half...it was the most...
risky n fun thing i hv eva done...i neva regret eva gettin into it..
but today i realise wat i fear would happen
happened...his father found out about him havin a gf...
i dont noe if he noes it is mi...but somehow i don reali care anymore...
wen i was in my room i thot about the first time we
looked at each other to the last time he told mi about.. his deepest fears...
i basicali let him do wat he wans...let him meet other gals
...if he wanted to he could watch as much porn as he wanted or read it for all i care...but...
....he stopped all that..i don noe y....
i always wondered y my frend liked to hv a bf...until i got 1..
it is hard to explain..but at that moment wen he is wif u or talkin to u...
it is like there nowhwere else u wld rather b wif or he would rather b wif...
it makes mi feel special in a way that ur frends or ur family can...
it is inexplicable but it was like one of the best feelings in the
world like as if u were living in the moment instead of thinkin constantly bout the future...
n u feel all warm n nice n u cant stop smilin...
n u wish that it would last foreva but time always goes by so fast wen u r wif him....
he obviousli enjoys my company n the fact that i was willin to listen to him..
i suppose i was smart enough to realise tat he was the type who liked to
monopolise the converstion...
so i let him not like i hv anything interestin to sai...
but now he is willin to listen to wat i hv to sai...
he has changed for the better i hope...
but he is the same goofy mutt-look-alike that i fell for...
i noe that one of the reasons that i noticed him was that he did not look or behave like
other indian guys...he is different..i like different..
y he likes mi is a mystery cos aint no chick...
seriousli he muz be like the onli guy in this world who even likes mi like that...i am
nothing speacial...he should go get a pair of glasses..
n i cant kiss for nuts...seriousli i am terrible at it...
so y he stays wif mi i don noe....n i know that tis was gonna b a long lastin 1 until...
his father found out n is now monitering his fone..
there is now no future for us...
i cant call him unless i use the pay fone but too many times n it
will look suspicious on the list...
n knowin him..he is so full of empty promises...i will make it up to u...i will call u back later....
there is always something he says he will do but in the end does not...
i actuali don care bout that rite now...
now i am thinkin on how i am gonna tell him goodbye..
there is nothing left n i don wan him to end up in more trouble or i get into trouble...
shld i still b frends n wen the whole thing blows over we continue where we left off...
wat if he finds another gal...will i be able to stand the thot of him n another gal...
i noe that it will juz rip mi to pieces to think that i let
him go n now another gal has got him...
wat am i to say good bye foreva?!....
how am i supp to tell him good bye...
how do u tell the single most exciting n wonderful thing in ur life...
...wif the exptn of ur frends n family....
goodbye..
forever....

i don't understamd how things always get better once i write here....
yesterdai was cleared out it was all a a miss understanding....or so he says..
msging is not veri gd...u cant tell wat the person is trying to say or wat tone he is usin..
wateva..yesterdai was yesterdai...2dai was brought forth new problems...
the oritorical contest.. speech was not finished fully...my parents summerised the whole thing
into 2 words..blah blah...so i go to sch n sha offers to help edit it..BUT...after recess...
Mr singh the sick bastard who does not like sha caused us problems...wat stop this habit lah..
been watchin us lah all that kind of fuuk..then asks sha bout the anklet...which by the way she
explained was for he ankle...wateva lah...then sha got reali pissed off who would not rite...
so she did not finish edit it so i had to do it after school..oh yea her mum came to sch..
but cos of the fuukin speech i cld not go n c wat she said to mr singh or to the principle...
n oso some chinese exchange students came to our sch ...b there for 2 weeks...they
r juz wastin their time...anyway he did not msg mi at all since the morning...
onli to sai he was in trouble again....so i was like thinkin wat he was doin whether he was
in trouble again n whether he was okay n wonderin y he neva msg back...
i was the first to speak..honestly i was not feelin nervous...juz veri distracted cos of him....
so i stutter and sputter my way thru...as usual Sugu won...wateva lah...so on mi way home i
i check that mi fone onli to c that he did msg n that cos mi fone was in the bag...the things inside
muz have pressed the yes button accidentali...so not his fault...so i decide to call him ...
no one picks up....later he calls back rite in the middle of badminton practice...so he
cant talk n i kind of gave him the cold shoulder...said he would call back onli he has not...
n neva msg oso...i don noe wat he was playin at...he did not seem to happy on the fone
either...wateva...wateva...wateva...ok ok fuuk there u go...i over analyse
n i can conclude that he is either givin mi mixed signals...or he is juz havin a
bad dai n does not wan to talk bout it...which is not like him...cos if he had a bad dai
he will neva stop talkin bout it n cursing....so i don noe wat to think....so i decide
to stop thinkin bout it............n if u noe mi that is impossible....k i hv to go...
got so much fuukin homework to do.....fuuk....sch is usualli okay...it is juz wat happens after
sch that mkes my feel like ...fuuk...

Today was one screwed up mess....so i wont bother writing in riddles...
it all started during PE...that bastard of a PE teacher.... i cant stand him...
decides to have PMS 2day...come on lah i suck at mini tennis...controllin ur power with
the bloody soft ball i cant do it k....but 2dai he decides that he will call ppl up for demonstartions....
y u ask cos some of the other ppl...not mi cos i was a gd gal...but the other ppl did not wan to
play the bloody game or practice..so he was all u ppl this n that...fuuk lah...so anyway we are all
sitting there n he starts callin out numbers to play the game...index no. 18 which is mine....
hardly eva gets called...but 2day he decides to call mi....i was so mad...i was publicly humiliated cos...
he thinkis that we r all incompetent...damn bastard onli....we are 4om 4e1 we r the students they...
are hopin would bring the sch fame n fortune...fuuk...nvm...the rest of the day was okay...there was
no physics...whoo hoo....or physics extra training...double whoo hoo...so we spent the time crackin jokes
with the our two counterparts...after physics we had english...that was where i realised that the
bloody oritorical contest is tomorrow....fuuk...after sch we spend some more time at sch crakin more jokes..
wen i shld have gone home to do the speech...fuuk fuuk fuuk lah..go home alreadi..i get a call
from u noe who lah...i like to talk to him cos he is always funny n jokin...n stuff...2day was
not his day...we talked for like 10mins but in the train th ereception got so bad he hung up...
n started msgin instead...i hate to msg cos sometimes wat u wan to say comes out all wrong...
n 2dai it did....it is one long story but his parents or his dad mostly is disappointed in him...
broke somethin in sch...aiyo...so he wanted mi8 to look up places in which he can learn how..
to play the saxaphone...he broke somethin in sch...his father has to play for n his sis in in
aussie so his parents hv to pay for her fees...n tis guy juz wans to add to the lists...so being the
self-righteous bitch tat i am i try to enlighten him no tryin not to b selfish...but he gets
it all wrong n acting like a wet blanket..he refuses to msg mi or to talk to mi...fuuk...
now i am doubtin him n his position in hbis family...n our relationship...he juz seems
so selfish...fuuk...i noe it is a small thing but wen my parents had financial problems...
i took it to myself to not ask money from them if i wanted somethin but starved myself to save it...
n i tell u this guy has a bloody big ego...i cant keep strokin it n makin sure nt to hurt it...
i don hv the time or the paitence...fuuk...aiyah i hav to go muz go n write out the script for
the oritorical contest 2morrow....juz fuuk it all lah....

i wake up..before the sunlight is seen...
okay for 2day i wil stop talkin in riddles k....
well 2dai started out fine excpt that the chem test 2dai...
on the on dai i don do my Ten Yr series onne or 2 of the qns come from there...
i am such a sad case...then the dai was okay i supp.... but things started to go wrong...
during assembly...the mr lee dragged it to a long time ...
i almost ran up to him to drive a dagger thru his heart... so i was late for the meeting..
i ditched my frendz to go...feel reali bad about it...
not like he was there...now i will talk in riddles...
i look at my reflection n c a stark difference...
i don look like who i show the world to b...
i run to the bridge...awaitin for him to arrive...
i look forward n side...a sound of flutes send a signal of a msg...
i here his voice but he was not there...he talks about his master who
had called for him so he had to leave...his thousand apologies fall to deaf ears..
for it was the first time he has left mi alone...for sadness of missing seeing his face...
to seethin for the fact tat because of him i had let my frendz down....
i have half the key to his freedom....n the other he has to look for himself...
he still does not come....i feel my heart sinkin..n a sense of betrayal falls over mi...
but music is heard again n he sends his apologies... n promises to help to bring togther my frends..
his voice brings a sense of happiness... a promise of a better future...n my anger vanishes...
but he would still have to pay mi back...i wonder if i am giving to much..n gettin nothin in return...
my frendz...look mad but feel for my anger...they let mi off easily...
but not before voicing their concerns...they must care for mi....
but i have failed them....tis was a choice i had to make n so i did....
i apologise....a thousand times...but bonds of a sisterhood will not be broken by a
lone man...